when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
