It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
