I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You dont lie about slip and slides
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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