you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tonight lets celebrate not being married
two words...techno handjob
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
