My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He felt like a one man threesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
