I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
