Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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