And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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