Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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