you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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