Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
