giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
