Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
