I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
