I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
