I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
