they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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