I CAN MOONWALK!
Welp...herpes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
