I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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