I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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