he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
