So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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