probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
