I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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