You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
