Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
