someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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