I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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