you would pick up someone in the library
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
