he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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