Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
