I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
