Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
