Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
