I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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