I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
