Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize