Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
