made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
