Where did you get a picture of my penis
hell yes lets make some ravioli
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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