Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
