you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize