its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
