Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
