were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
