She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
