Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
