You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
my liver is dry heaving
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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