a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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