I think my vagina is haunted
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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