So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
