Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
