rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
