I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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