Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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