On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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