it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
