Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
