How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
