Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize