Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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