His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
