he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
